Still, Always, Pro-choice

Last night I was breezing through Facebook and discovered that anti-choice groups are posting photos of miscarried fetuses as a means to fight women's right to choose. As a woman who thirty-one years ago miscarried at eighteen weeks, I find this deeply disturbing. To use such sad images for political gain is mean-spirited and illogical. 

Let me tell you the history of my stance on abortion:

When I was in grade school and Washington State was voting to legalize abortion, I already understood that a woman should have control over her own body.

In my early twenties when I struggled with infertility, I knew that my desire for a baby would never mean other women should be forced to give birth.

When I was thrilled that I finally was pregnant, I became even more pro-choice. I was absolutely aware that motherhood is the ultimate commitment, and it shouldn't be forced on any woman. 

After a heartbreaking mid-pregnancy miscarriage, I began the adoption process and became the lucky mom of two amazing children. While I am grateful every day to my children's birth moms, I will still fight for the right of all women to choose whether to give birth or not. 

After this three-decade journey that has now brought me the joy of becoming a grandmother, I'm still the same sixth grade girl who was standing up for abortion rights on the school playground, and I am appalled to those who are posting photos of miscarried fetuses under the banner of "stop funding Planned Parenthood!"

What to say

As I have struggled through a few major health crises in my life, I have been fortunate to have friends and family who have loved and supported me in countless ways. I also have heard a few annoying comments countless times. If you are wondering what to say when you encounter someone with an illness, here are a few reminders and suggestions:

Don't say "But you look so good."  It feels like you might think I am lying about my pain or that my appearance makes a difference in my illness. Do say "I love your earrings" or "your biceps are awesome" or "where did you find those cute shoes?" These are things I can control, and I appreciate you noticing them.

If you hear about my multiple prescriptions, don't say "I NEVER take any medications." Trust me, I would be darn happy to never take any either, and I will be thrilled for you if you never have to. You might just say you are grateful to be currently healthy and sorry I am dealing with health issues.

Don't ask "Have you tried...?" I have probably tried it, or I heard about it and decided not to. While I know you are just trying to help, I have to trust my doctors and own research or I will lose my mind.

Do say (if you truly want to know) "tell me about your illness." I am happy to share my journey, especially if it can help others to learn or help someone else through their struggles.

I have a few suggestions that always work: 

Hit me with some good gossip. I would far rather talk about people we know than about my problems. 

Look me straight in the eye and ask me how I am. If you are genuinely interested, I will tell you the truth. 

Or if you don't know what else to do, give me a huge hug and tell me you love me. That always makes me feel better!